Jealousy Sabbatical

I was just plain cranky over Thanksgiving. Between a hectic November and my in-laws not eating my homemade stuffing for the twentieth year in a row, all I wanted was to stay in my bed wearing sweatpants and a hoodie for the rest of time — or at least for the entirety of Black Friday. Much to my chagrin, I was cajoled to join the annual extended family hike and post pizza party where my curmudgeonliness persisted. I bemoaned in my head (and maybe out loud) to anyone who would listen: “Why does everyone else get a nap today? When do I just get to lounge on the couch?”

As I struggled to be social, I was asking a wonderful adult niece about her upcoming holiday plans and she told me about all the exotic trips she had planned — Europe, Asia, you name it. My first uncontrollable reaction wasn’t excitement, it was jealousy. Then she told me she was only able to take these trips because of an incredibly generous sabbatical program offered through her non-profit. My jealousy quickly became outward, shocked contempt. At a certain point, I could actually hear what my face looked like and decided it was time for me to leave.

The ride home was filled with quiet shame. When my wife finally inquired as to my immature (though not necessarily uncharacteristic) mini-meltdown, I tried to explain that of course I was happy for my niece’s time off but that I needed a break. My wife challenged me: “Maybe you could try using up your vacation as a first step.” Then she quoted some wisdom from a book she had just finished that said: “Let comparison be your teacher, not your enemy.”

As I finally reached my long-awaited sweats that night, I continued to reflect. I couldn’t help but think about all the ways comparison is constantly my enemy. In life, leadership, and discipleship, how often am I asking, “why me or why not me?” when I could be asking, “how me?” If there is something I want, even if it’s just a nap, how much energy do I waste stewing about what isn’t mine versus an examination of why it’s not mine, why it should be mine, or how it could be mine if I really put my mind to it? In my conversations with the Lord, how often is my question “why not” versus an invitation for Him to show me how?

Thankfully, I think my niece is used to my shenanigans by now and will give her cranky uncle some grace. As we move deeper into this Advent season of waiting and preparation, let’s take a sabbatical from jealousy and ask the Lord to conform our hearts to want what He wants for us. Enjoy your rest in Him this Advent.