“When we leave aside the distrust, the hatred, the animosity that has so often been built up, we will find ways to come together and be able to promote authentic peace and justice.”
– Pope Leo XIV
Over the holidays, a former colleague was kind enough to send me a book she thought I’d enjoy, given my experience facilitating difficult conversations. I’m not a prolific reader, so I placed it on a growing stack of books on my nightstand.
Fast forward to a few weeks later and I found myself immersed with a colleague in a difficult phone conversation of my own making. I knew I was right, and that’s the worst type of contentious conversation for me. I laid out my case with a level of clarity and directness that would make a trial attorney proud. As my usually friendly colleague (now opponent) began to lose the moral high ground, I could taste the approaching victory. The call ended with what I wanted — a sincere apology — but I spent the rest of the day feeling unsettled.
Later, while struggling to fall asleep, I grabbed the book about difficult conversations which I discovered was written by a trial attorney. The book, The Next Conversation, grabbed my attention with this mantra in the first chapter: “If you’re trying to win, you’ll lose. Work to ensure you can have the next conversation.”
There wasn’t a question in my mind whether I was right or wrong in the conversation with my colleague. However, I decided that the question that was keeping me awake at night was this: would I have a “next conversation” with my colleague given how I “won” the last one? In life and leadership, when I’m out to win, what’s really the prize? Is it worth it? As someone who calls myself a “Christian,” shouldn’t the chance of a next conversation be toward the top of my list of objectives? When I see a crucifix, do I see what winning really looks like?
Thankfully, my colleague’s heart was stronger than mind, and as I put down the book, I picked up my phone and saw a text from them, thanking me for the hard conversation and hoping for another in the future. As we engage with each other this week, let’s make sure we put aside winning or losing, and focus on ensuring there’s a next conversation.
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